**** JUSTIN NOTE**** I am delighted to offer readers the first Guest Contributor post, courtesy of. Way back in my second post, I hinted at possible future CaC posts and here we have it, dear Reader.

Orlando Bloom 'V' A Sweaty Sock. Don't ever say we don't deliver, motherfucker! ************************* The Contenders It’s a comedy of errors in this edition of Champ & Chump, the might-be-might of the minutely-mighty M&S sock pitted against the false-cutesy and oh-a-bit-too-feminine charm of one Orlando Bloom. On just the name front, Sweaty Sock would seem to be at a crippling disadvantage, but, at once keen to throw away a chance at a the perfect start, Orlando deigns to have a name starting with Orla. Orla is a girl’s name, oh dear a lesson to be learned here - if you’re going to have Lando in your name, put it at the front.

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Also, get some bling! It’s going to be one of those posts! 'I've got no cock!'

V The 90’s 1997 saw Orlando making his debut role, if IMDB is to be trusted, in Wilde, the Oscar Wilde movie. Never one to turn down a bit of foreshadowing (Cue LotR flashback, 'Aragorn Red eye at night, shepherds delight!' Or some such jazz) he plays the role of a rentboy, apparently using permanent make-up that mean he will forever hold the look from now until eternity. It was a relatively quiet decade for the old chap other than that, but there’s probably some minor roles in Coronation Street or Holby City lurking in the English TV vaults of shame somewhere The same year saw one minor up and coming star by the name of A. Sweaty Sock launch a stunning career with an unprecedented blockbuster role in James Cameron’s Titanic.

Having seen him make a mere cameo in Kevin Costner’s Waterworld and yet still outshine the main star, it’s reported the director paid him twice Di Caprio’s salary and gave him half the real life boat for his fish tank. Starting as a mere second class citizen on the foot of one Leonardo Di Caprio, Mr Sock built his status up gradually yet solidly for scenes involving a fully clothed and socked romp with Kate Winslet in a classic car, a long sink to the ocean with a dying Jack ('Jack wait! Stay with me!' - 'I’m sorry baby, there’s not room for me on that plank not me and my sock') and the tragically deleted scene involving accidental footsy with Winslet’s mother over dinner. 'Five pairs of socks. That's all it took to make this piece of shit movie. One pair on my feet and four stuffed down my pants.'

2000 and Beyond Orlando’s career took a slightly delayed leap in the naughties, a quiet 2000 being spent filming the Lord of the Rings trilogy that would catapult him into 'household name' status. Despite floundering about on the snow in a desperate light-footed effort to stop his socks from getting wet, Bloom pulls off the roll of Legolas incredibly well, the mysterious air and coldly efficient manner of the character suiting Orlando’s skills perfectly.

He’s a little bit pretty, but any girls you take to the cinema are slightly put off by his stupidly long hair and deformed ears so it’s not too bad. Meanwhile, temporary nemesis Mr A. Sweaty Sock was busy muddying his feet (pun intended) in the woods near Farnham, Surrey, filming the Ridley Scott epic Gladiator with Russel Crowe. As Crowe screams the command to unleash hell on the enemy in the opening scenes we are treated to delightful shots of running soldiers, feet slapping through mud and blood in the ultimate soiled clothing montage. It’s a small and occasionally overlooked roll that brings both historical accuracy and a welcome sense of reality to the film. Orlando’s career also seems to be on the up following commercial success in the Lord of the Rings films, he lands the roll of Todd Blackburn in Ridley Scott’s Black Hawk Down.